There’s so much pressure on people to have this perfect image online. I do not have that, online or in life. I’m a mess. I wasn’t always a mess, but somewhere along the line it happened. When it happened, where it happened isn’t important anymore. The thing is though, I don’t want to pretend my home life is perfect. Some of you know of the trials and tribulations I’ve been going through personally. It’s more than that. It’s anxiety, depression, being completely alone (I have pretty much zero family) as a single parent, an apartment that is cluttered so badly that it adds to my already cluttered mind. And I’ve had enough. I know that no one is perfect, no matter what image they chose to project.
I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of living in a chaotic life, with a chaotic apartment, and a chaotic head. I’m tired of feeling like I need to be perfect. Which is a situation mostly of my own creation. I hold myself to such high standards that the idea of not achieving them causes me to crawl into bed and ignore everything. I don’t even try. Which is ridiculous, and of course I know this is ridiculous and that just adds to the junk-pile inside my head.
So this is me, climbing back on the horse. I’d like to say I was on some sort of sanctioned break. That I decided to give my self a vacation. Truth is that I got a little lazy. I decided I deserved a break after achieving so much in June, and then it was so difficult to get back to this. To scheduling things. To keep working on anything. They (whomever “they” are) aren’t wrong when they say that restarting is much more difficult then keeping a habit going. I think in some way, I thought I needed to start shiny and perfect. But that’s not where I am, or who I am right now.
So instead of starting my blog off as some perfect place with amazing scheduled posts every week I’m going to do what I can, and blog my way through my journey of getting out of the mess in my head, home and heart. If I miss a Macabre Monday one week I won’t sweat it too much (or I’ll try not to). I’ll pick up the next week without need of explanation. This whole project was started as a place to get the crap out of my head and into some sort of tangible form. I have this amazing habit of picturing my end results and then wanting them instantly and getting overwhelmed by how much work would be required to get there quickly. I’m still trying to learn the “slow and steady wins the race” way of life.
I’m not ready to just give up, so I hope you stick around to see the progress.