Journal

Day 15

So I decided to make a playlist of all the songs i listened to a lot as a teenager. And everything is going great. I’m singing, I’m washing dishes, I’m even feeling empowered. And then Sarah McLaughlin’s Full of Grace comes on. One of the most heart wrenching songs for me. Plus Joss Whedon used it for one of the saddest episodes of Buffy ever the finale of Season Two where Buffy has killed angel, been kicked out of her home, expelled and chose to run away from home.

I remembered my teenage years, my family I once had. And how they really abandoned me. I was a problem. After Nana passed and I failed everything, when I’d already failed and overcome so much. When I really needed them – they just left me. I was a nuisance. They took care of each other and themselves. They left my FATHER to guide me. A man I barely knew. And I never went back to talk to them, I tried but I always felt so ashamed because I wasn’t perfect like them. I couldn’t go to them unless I was perfect.

And I’m not. I’m broken. I just want someone to love me for me. But I’m not perfect so who’s going to love me while I’m trying to fix me. Especially when my own family just threw me away. I tried to find another family with Dominic’s mother and family, but again, unless I’m perfect I’m a problem, the problem that makes Dominic who he is.  How are you supposed to love yourself when your family didn’t.

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